Definition

I am about to admit something semi-corny about myself. I think most of us have at least one song that you can listen to and think to yourself, "This song is about me. These lyrics represent how I feel right now." Now I'm going to have that "You're so vain" song stuck in my head the rest of the night. Anyway, one of my "this is me" songs is Michael W. Smith's "My Place in this World." I remember listening to this song a lot when I was younger, and sometimes when I am feeling unsure of myself, or my life's purpose (I don't mean that in a depressed way), I think of this song.

I remember being eighteen and thinking to myself, "If I don't have a boyfriend now, I'm just going to die alone." I realized later how silly (or stupid, if that's the word that comes to your mind) that thought was. I feel like I'm going through a similar situation now, only now the thought that keeps running through my mind is, "If I don't have my life figured out by the time I'm thirty, I'm never going to fulfill any of my hopes and dreams." At least I have three years left...no, make that two and a half...to figure everything out. I'm half-kidding.

I think we all tend to give ourselves deadlines: "I will lose thirty pounds by August." or "I will be working in my desired field of study ( and not Blockbuster) in five years," or even, "I will graduate from college when I am twenty-four, start my own practice at twenty-seven, get married at twenty-nine, and start having kids a year after that." But sometimes we miss our deadlines, or certain things happen before their due date. Or sometimes the goals that we set simply become dead words on a piece of paper.

I don't say these things because I am dissatisfied with my family life (I love my family, and they are one of my greatest blessings); I say these things mostly because I am dissatisfied with myself. I see other people my age who have accomplished so much more. Personally, all I have is a degree in a subject that I'm not sure I am ever going to pursue as a career, a manuscript sitting on some editor's desk (or being returned to me with a polite rejection letter included), and a few creative whims. I realize that I sound like I am throwing myself a pity party here (although some days I do love a good old fashioned pity party), but I figure that it is normal for one to have these kind of thoughts.

Bottom line: I suppose that if I do not gain some further definition as an individual, I'm just going to fade into the background. I would end with that statement, but I don't want to come off as being over dramatic. I know that I just need to trust God's timing, and have confidence.