"Fight or Flight?"

Last night I had a fight with someone.

In my head.

I hate confrontation. I fear confrontation. If there is ever a fight or "hostile situation" on a reality show I usually change the channel until that part is over. If there is any conflict with a friend or acquaintance, I avoid them unless I absolutely have to talk to them or see them. Essentially, I am a coward when it comes to confrontation.

In my mind though, I fight with whomever I please. And during these hypothetical fights I am witty, concise, and I get to let all of my feelings out. Weirdly enough I don't always allow myself to "win" all of the arguments. A lot of times the situation in left unresolved. There is no happy ending, no "make up" hugs. I think the whole point of this type of mental exercise is to have the freedom to speak my mind without facing the consequences.

I usually only employ these thoughts if I feel like I'm in a situation where I really can't let my feelings be known, like if I feel like it will hurt a friendship, or if the person I have a grudge against is someone who means a lot to someone I care about. Part of the reason why I do this is because no matter how upset I may feel towards someone, I know that not all of my feelings are valid. Sometimes these fictitious fights are a way for me to see if there is a deeper problem below the surface, or to see if maybe the problem is me, and not the other person.

I also hope that if I get to freely speak my mind in my head, then hopefully I won't say something I regret to someone in real life. There are people who pride themselves in "standing up for themselves" and making sure that people don't "get away with things." I understand that up to a point. I wish I was more bold, and I applaud people who have that sort of courage. Some people take that kind of attitude too far though, like they feel like they need to teach people a lesson. Usually these type of people find fault in whomever they meet, and they think it's their job to "fix" it. I say that if you're going to be outspoken, be outspoken for a worthy cause. Granted, everyone has their own idea of what causes are "worthy," but bottom line, do you want to be known as a hero or as a jerk?

Dear American Women...

A letter to American women, from the ones who know you best: advertisers. and media outlets of all sorts.

Dear Women,

We understand that you have a lot to deal with, but we are here to help you. We can't help but notice that you are concerned about your weight, and we completely understand. We put slender, beautiful women on the magazine covers that you look at while you're buying that gallon of ice cream. In order to meet your needs, we have offered you a variety of weight loss resources. We recommend that you eat only certain foods, but please don't get too attached to those foods because next year we'll probably admit that those were the wrong foods to eat at all. We change our minds a lot. We recommend you exercise with this $500 gorgeous piece of equipment. No, it's not just a crowbar with rubber bands glued on to it. It'll work, we promise. You could also drink this glass of "who knows what's in it;" that could help. If all else fails, you could squeeze yourself into an elastic bodysuit that will smooth away all your bumps and lumps. We know you've seen the infomercials, and we know you just might be desperate enough to try it.

The thing is, you need to look good. Sure, you need to be healthy and all, but you really need to look good if you are going to get yourself a man. We have plenty of advice on that subject too. It's quite simple, really: be funny, but not too funny; feminine, but not too feminine; and generous, but not too generous. Got that? Don't worry, things get easier once you get married. Yes, that was a joke.

Once you get married, you can throw away all of those issues of Cosmo and put down that copy of He's Just Not That Into You. It's time to start reading Dr. Phil books and listening to Oprah Winfrey (sure, she's never been married, but she has friends who are married). Once you get married, please make sure to please your husband in any way possible. We have a book for each task that you need to work on: cooking, sex, communicating, and cleaning. We want to remind you to be a good wife or else your husband might have an affair. Even gorgeous celebrities lose their husbands to affairs, you know. No, we're not trying to make you paranoid, just aware. Watch Oprah, we're sure she'll talk about it soon.

We just heard you were pregnant...congratulations! Just make sure to keep exercising; we don't want you to look like you're 5 months along when you're only 3. Also, you're only buying organic products, right? No? Oh, well, that's okay, we guess. You're buying cloth diapers though, right? No? Did you know that disposable diapers hurt the environment? Don't you care about the environment? If you do, please buy some expensive bamboo furniture. It will help our economy and the environment. You'll need to buy some organic cleansers too. If you think they're too expensive, please, take this coupon for ten cents off.

Once you have your baby, please don't neglect to get rid of that baby weight. Sure, you're busy with feeding, cleaning, rocking, and playing with your baby, but look at that actress on T.V. She lost all of the baby weight in four months. Yes, she had a personal trainer, but we try not to mention that. We want you to be encouraged.

Well, we hope we helped. Life can be hard, but you need someone there to help you along the way. Oh, before we go, please, put on some lipstick, you don't want to look too washed out.

Sincerely yours,
The people who make money off of your wants and needs