Dear American Women...

A letter to American women, from the ones who know you best: advertisers. and media outlets of all sorts.

Dear Women,

We understand that you have a lot to deal with, but we are here to help you. We can't help but notice that you are concerned about your weight, and we completely understand. We put slender, beautiful women on the magazine covers that you look at while you're buying that gallon of ice cream. In order to meet your needs, we have offered you a variety of weight loss resources. We recommend that you eat only certain foods, but please don't get too attached to those foods because next year we'll probably admit that those were the wrong foods to eat at all. We change our minds a lot. We recommend you exercise with this $500 gorgeous piece of equipment. No, it's not just a crowbar with rubber bands glued on to it. It'll work, we promise. You could also drink this glass of "who knows what's in it;" that could help. If all else fails, you could squeeze yourself into an elastic bodysuit that will smooth away all your bumps and lumps. We know you've seen the infomercials, and we know you just might be desperate enough to try it.

The thing is, you need to look good. Sure, you need to be healthy and all, but you really need to look good if you are going to get yourself a man. We have plenty of advice on that subject too. It's quite simple, really: be funny, but not too funny; feminine, but not too feminine; and generous, but not too generous. Got that? Don't worry, things get easier once you get married. Yes, that was a joke.

Once you get married, you can throw away all of those issues of Cosmo and put down that copy of He's Just Not That Into You. It's time to start reading Dr. Phil books and listening to Oprah Winfrey (sure, she's never been married, but she has friends who are married). Once you get married, please make sure to please your husband in any way possible. We have a book for each task that you need to work on: cooking, sex, communicating, and cleaning. We want to remind you to be a good wife or else your husband might have an affair. Even gorgeous celebrities lose their husbands to affairs, you know. No, we're not trying to make you paranoid, just aware. Watch Oprah, we're sure she'll talk about it soon.

We just heard you were pregnant...congratulations! Just make sure to keep exercising; we don't want you to look like you're 5 months along when you're only 3. Also, you're only buying organic products, right? No? Oh, well, that's okay, we guess. You're buying cloth diapers though, right? No? Did you know that disposable diapers hurt the environment? Don't you care about the environment? If you do, please buy some expensive bamboo furniture. It will help our economy and the environment. You'll need to buy some organic cleansers too. If you think they're too expensive, please, take this coupon for ten cents off.

Once you have your baby, please don't neglect to get rid of that baby weight. Sure, you're busy with feeding, cleaning, rocking, and playing with your baby, but look at that actress on T.V. She lost all of the baby weight in four months. Yes, she had a personal trainer, but we try not to mention that. We want you to be encouraged.

Well, we hope we helped. Life can be hard, but you need someone there to help you along the way. Oh, before we go, please, put on some lipstick, you don't want to look too washed out.

Sincerely yours,
The people who make money off of your wants and needs